Some Days Are Diamonds...

Lately I have been paying more attention to what people say. My Grandpa has started saying something quite frequently and it has kinda stuck with me: "Some days are Diamonds and some days are Stones."

Don, Conner and I met with the neurologist today and got the final diagnosis of Myasthenia Gravis. We had an idea it was coming, and we have seen how the spirit has prepared us for this, so we feel good about it. Don said he has been at peace all week, I wish I could say that, but I have felt A LOT of peace, and I feel peace now.

So a little about the test results. The thymus gland came back to be normal, there were no tumors. At first I was a but disappointed because I wanted a quick fix, but then I actually looked at it and it would be a HARD thing that I think I am being spared. Your thymus gland is behind your chest so that would be a pretty difficult surgery to undergo. They are still leaving it open as a treatment option and are doing more research on it, but I think I will insist that I just keep up with medication treatments and not have the surgery as long as I can breathe and eat (I think we both know which one I think is more important). And the breathing test came back so positive that I hope that surgery will never have to be a necessity.

The muscle and nerve stress tests came back that the receptors that make your muscles and nerves communicate are pretty much shot. So I am starting a new medication today that will help to build those receptors back up. Because of this they are going to keep a close eye on me to make sure that I am okay. By close it means A LOT more Neurologist visits. So next Wednesday I have another appointment, and then it will probably become a weekly or every other week thing for a while. I think Dr. Reynolds and I are going to become fast friends.

The blood tests are not back yet, so I think I will find out a bit more about that next week.

As for treatment, I started the steroid treatment yesterday, and it is already starting to work. I am able to climb the stairs at the pace of a 50 year old instead of 9 million year old (slow and steady wins the race though right?). Then today I will start the receptor treatment, and then double that treatment on Sunday.... They are saying that in as little as 6 weeks I could be back to NORMAL!!! (whatever that means for me right?) I think that sounds like a wonderful Christmas present to me and my family (especially since I kinda have to lay low til then and take it easy which will make Christmas shopping a challenge, but I have a lot of it done thanks to Keokuk Walmart clearance isle). I will need to be careful because I will still have episodes kinda like MS, but now that I know how I feel when it starts, and have a record (thank you dear blog) I am hoping it won't ever have to get out of control like this again... and if it does I will remember that "this too shall pass."

So this is now a part of me, and it will be something that I will have the rest of my life (barring I don't have to have my thymus removed). I am looking at it as an opportunity for education for me and for those around me, I have already learned a lot from this. I have learned a lot about love and prayer, and a lot about appreciation. I have also learned to be more humble and accept help (that has always been difficult for me) and I have a feeling that I will get to learn more about that. I hope that I can use this as an experience for good, and that I can become more like my Savior because of it. And hopefully we won't have to deal with very many flare ups... I think as long as I stay away from fatigue, stress, illness and heat I can be myself for a long time.... I guess I could also say that I have learned that I am "special" because this only happens to 1 in 200,000 people, and I feel like that will be a good way for me to look at it instead of as a trial.

There were some things I asked some questions about today too, about how the rest of our lives will go. My biggest question was if it will effect Don and I being able to have more children... that is something I have wanted for a long time now, but now I see the Lord's hand even in this, it would be hard to do this pregnant, and it would be hard to do this with an infant, I am grateful my prayers have been heard and understood and now I can understand more the Lords timing. Dr. Reynold's said we could revisit the whole pregnancy thing in 3-6 months... I am not taking that as a No and I am very pleased about that.

So some days are Diamonds and some days are stones.... I think today is a diamond, I have gotten the answers I need and I am starting the treatments and medications that will get me back on the path of normal, and discovering who the new me will be (maybe the new me will be Indian? j/k that is just thanksgiving talking). I also believe that I will have a LOT more diamond days in the future, and I hope you do too.

D-day (is that appropriate?)

Last night I got kinda emotional.... again (but really only having two break downs through this is not bad at all) and I know it was just because I was tired. I went to R.S. to teach a class I signed up to do 3 months ago on how to make birds nest necklaces and I think I did too much. I came home and was just so sore and tired, and embarrassed for the way I looked and sounded, and the way my hands would shake and not function properly. It was hard because I love making birds nest necklaces and it made me think of all the things I love (and that help me feel better) that will be so hard to do now.... leather work, zen doodling, painting, rendering, painting walls and furniture, and to a much lesser extent looking pretty (but Don and I have been brainstorming ways we can still have nice family pictures, they will just have to be themed so I can have my eyes covered... we are thinking pirates, international spies, jail profile pictures and so on, so this could really be a good thing). My sweet and amazing husband was there to hold me, to listen to me, and to cheer me up. We played a fun game... Who can find the best 90's love ballad to describe our relationship? I cheated and chose Faithfully by Journey (who can't win with that one?) but I think Don took the cake when he chose Amazed by Lonestar. I found it funny that we spoke to each others music genre instead of our own... I chose classic rock for him and he chose country for me (we are just so good together!). So all in all I went to bed happy after my sweet husband made me smile, held me, and we ate a whole bag of mint m&m's.

This morning we go back to the Neurologist... we will drop Leigha off at school and head straight for the hospital. I am calling today D Day, I don't know if it is appropriate (most likely not) but for me I am really hoping it is Diagnosis Day. I hate to say I am scared because that leaves less room for faith, so I will say that I am nervous about what the verdict will be. Do I really want myasthenia gravis? No, I really do not. Can I live with myasthenia gravis? I absolutely can, and still be happy and live a full life. So this is me stating to the world and to myself that: NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I KNOW IT IS RIGHT AND I CAN HANDLE IT!!!!

I have a lot of questions that I hope will be answered in just one short hour.... thank you again for all the prayers on me and my families behalf... we love you!

Tests, Tests, Tests, and Good, Better, Best

I met with the Neurologist yesterday, and just as we thought, he thinks as well that it could be myasthenia gravis.... but to confirm it we needed to do a lot of different tests, so as soon as I was done with him at Timpanogos Hospital we went straight down to Utah Valley Regional Hospital to start the tests. The tests are really interesting so I thought I might do a little run down on each of them as I go through out the last 2 days.

The first was the CT Scan: this scan was actually kinda funny, I could not help but laugh a little while it was happening, and I have laughed a lot about it since. The CT Scan I needed was to check my thymus gland... from what I have studied and been told, the thymus gland is part of the autoimmune system and it creates an antibody called acetecholine.... when you are a child you have a large thymus, but as you get older your thymus gets smaller and eventually turns into fat. In people with myasthenia gravis the thymus stays large and the antibodies it creates starts to attack the receptors that go between the nerves and the muscles. So back to the test, since it is to check the thymus they had to do the CT scan with contrast (I thought it would be like the contrast that I had with the MRI, but it was not!). The technician got me onto the bed which was then raised up and he put an IV into my arm... they pumped me full of saline and did a couple of runs through the machine (which looks like a giant donut). The bed goes through the donut and the machine tells you when you can breathe and when you need to hold your breathe.... there is also a funny little light to tell you. Then he told me what it would feel like when they put in the contrast.... here is how it went: first you will feel warm in your hands and your head and your heart and then you will feel like you peed your pants, but don't worry because you didn't. I did not think that it would actually feel like that, but sure enough as the contrast went in my hands started to feel warm and then my head and then my heart, and then it REALLY REALLY did feel like you peed your pants for about 4 minutes. I was having such a hard time not laughing, but I had to remind myself to sit very still so I would not have to do it again. Then the technician came in and we got to talking, I told him how much it felt like I had peed my pants and he said the best part of his job is getting to watch people check... I laughed about that so hard because that is SO something I was about to do.... and something that if I had his job would love doing. So with the CT Scan they are checking for a large thymus and also tumors on the thymus. Is it bad that I kinda am hoping for a tumor? I only say that because then they could remove it and in a few years I would be fine. With myasthenia gravis there is no cure, and treatment is only to reduce symptoms so pretty much this is something I might have for the rest of my life (I am still hoping that ALL the tests come back negative and that it is just a really expensive nothing). 15% of people with myasthenia gravis have tumors... almost ALL of those are non-cancerous.

After that we went to get the 6 tests of blood work done, but some of the tests have to be sent to other hospitals to be read because they are so rare, and we missed the UPS guy by 5 minutes! So that test had to be done today. We went home where my amazing mother-in-law and sister-in-law were watching the kids, and then they took them over night again... that was SUCH a HUGE help because testing this morning started at 6:45.

Which brings us to today. Test number 2 (number one for today) started bright and early at Timpanogos Hospital, it was the nerve and muscle stress tests. This was the weirdest of ALL the tests I have done. First was the nerve tests. The doctor measured and marked places on my hands and arms and then did a mixture of acupuncture and electro shock therapy. He would put a little needle in somewhere, not even one of the places he had marked and then he would put an electric probe on the places he marked and send an electronic pulse through that would trigger different reflexes, it would be measured in waves on a screen. He did it several times on multiple places in both of my arms and face... the hardest part about this for me was switching sides because it meant having to sit up and move. It felt weird, but I have been electrocuted so many times before with switching out light fixtures that it was not a surprise for me. Next was the muscle stress tests, and with this one I was not sure exactly how they did it. They put a jelly on me and then covered it up with the little sticker type things, just like if you were getting an ultrasound, but then they did a really painful tapping, at first they just did singular taps and then in a rhythm of 5 for a couple times. He said he would do it in 2 places in my arm and then 2 places on my face. When they did the ones on my face it was right up by my eyes, and it hurt pretty bad, especially when they did the periods of 5 consecutive taps. He said he was getting some interesting readings and he felt bad but he would need to do it in a third place on my face. Then he asked me which side of my face drooped more and when I told him it was the right, we had to do the test on my face on the right side as well. So instead of 2 on my face we did 5 on my face. I am glad that test is over, even though to me it was the most interesting (other than feeling like I had peed my pants). They did this test to make sure that my nerves and muscles are still communicating, it is another way to see if this could be myasthenia gravis.

After that we went home and rested for a half hour and then went down to Utah Valley Regional Hospital for the blood test and the pulmonary heart test (breathing test). The blood test was pretty typical, but they tested a lot of things, some of them the techs had never even heard of before, they were not even on the list, so the tests had to be written to the side along with what color test tube they needed to be in. They did 2 thyroid tests and anti-thyroid tests, along with an acetecholine test and something called an Anti Musk test (that was the one that everyone seemed a bit baffled by). I have great veins so this was not a big deal for me at all (everyone really seems to appreciate my great veins, so that is something I am learning to appreciate about myself as well).

The last test was the Pulmonary Heart test. I did not know what this one was going to be... I knew it was because I had been having episodes where it was really hard to breathe, but I was not sure what it would be like. They brought me and Don into a small room where there was an even smaller glass box with a chair in it and a breathing machine. They had me sit down (I feel bad because I think the doctor wanted me tested while I was having an episode, but the test was done while I could breathe normally) and first had me breathe into the machine normally, then they had me take a REALLY deep breathe and then had me release ALL the air, they did this test a couple of times. We could see the machine reading my breathing.... the good news with this is that my breathing is beyond perfectly healthy. I am able to breathe in 130% of the average person, and breathe out 124%. I guess when I breathe out all the air there was a hiccup at the bottom where it would bottom out stay there and then a few seconds later get lower. The respiratory therapist asked if there was something there preventing me from breathing out, and Don and I both looked at him and said no, it is just because I am a fighter.... I hope that I can say that is true, that when things get to their lowest I can find a way to push harder. Then they did the same test but when I breathed in I breathed in a gas and had to hold it there for 5 seconds before I could release it... this one was actually hard because even though I had filled my lungs to capacity and was holding my breath the gas was still blowing into my mouth.... this test was to measure how much air was getting into my blood to make sure everything was okay. I came in at 97% on that one. The best part about this test was the respiratory therapist, he made it fun. I think he could totally work at Disneyland because he made me feel like I was bout to take the best ride of my life by breathing into this funny machine in this tiny glass box (which was never closed, happy day).

So those were the tests, we have an appointment with Neurologist again tomorrow to go over the test results and hopefully finally have a diagnosis.

Now for the Good, Better, Best. First the Good... I am able to breathe normally, even better than 100%. One of the scariest things about myasthenia gravis is when it effects the muscles in your lungs... some people have to be on respirators, hospitalized, or it can be fatal.... I am thankful that this is something I am not dealing with now, and hope that since my lungs and breathing are SO healthy that this is something I won't have to deal with later. I am grateful for my small episodes, even though they are a bit hard and when they get bad they can be pretty scary, but they go away... I think that is very good!

Better, with ALL the tests we have been going through, and all the other recent financial expenses we have had (cough* cough* new car) I was really nervous about how much the tests would be out of pocket while we are waiting to hear back from the insurance we are trying to enroll in... The CT scan, blood test and pulmonary heart tests, since all done at Utah Valley Regional was only $50! (with bills to come later) but still I count that as a HUGE blessing!

And finally Best.... when Don and I went to go get my prescription filled we found mint m&m's!!!! If you know me, you know that Christmas is my favorite time of the year almost solely because of mint m&m's (not really but I do love those little pieces of heaven).... My mom thinks I have my good better and best in reverse order, but to me right now it is the little things that make me smile, like feeling like I wet my pants, a fun respiratory therapist and mint m&m's.

I am also grateful to be living where we are because I am only 1 mile away from Timpanogos Hospital and only like 4 miles away from Utah Valley Regional Hospital... the Lord definitely has a plan for us, including a time where he wants us to be specific places, and right now I know we are in the right place.

Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes...this was done without my eye patch, and I am a bit tired... off to sleep I go.

Another Update and a Plea for Prayer

Time for another update: Last Saturday I thought I might just be tired, I had a hard time scrubbing a pan as I was doing dishes, I just felt like my hands were a bit weak, but thought nothing of it... since then it has progressed to my arms and legs... Here was a funny this morning scenario getting ready for church. I was taking a shower (which kinda makes me dizzy because it is hot and in a small place) and I REALLY needed to shave my legs, so I did not look like a woolly mammoth at church and my boots are still in storage from the move (there was no way I had the strength in my arms or the flexibility in my legs to put on nylons) as you can imagine shaving with double vision, weak arms, and heavy legs was quite an experience... I just had to laugh at that one, hope you can too.

Monday (after blogging) I talked to my best friend Kara, she is a respiratory therapist (and an amazing friend), we were talking about what I was going through and how I was feeling. I told her about my speculations of what I might have and we both came to the conclusion that it was sounding more and more like myasthenia gravis (when she studied about it in school it was referred to as the up down disease because the symptoms start at the top and work their way down). Right after that I got a call from the Ophthalmologist, Dr. Beaty (she has been AMAZING!!!!) I told her my symptoms and she said: Have you heard of myasthenia gravis? I said that I had and she said that we needed to get me into a Neurologist to get a diagnosis.

Tuesday we heard from the Neurologist and my appointment is tomorrow. The rest of the week I pretty much rested, my WONDERFUL MIL and SIL came down and took care of the kids for me on Tuesday and Wednesday so I could rest, and then came down and took them over night on Friday. That was so so so kind, and helped so so so much. I never knew I could be so tired... I don't physically feel sleepy, but my muscles just kinda give up on me.

On Friday I read a Conference talk from April that talked about how the Atonement covers illness (and everything else). It has been so helpful to me. Here is my favorite excerpt:

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.”

But really everything was put into perspective for me when I talked to my sister Janice. She lives in PohnPei Micronesia, and we have been keeping tabs on each others health. She has had a strep infection that is resistant to antibiotics for a month now.... She has had all the symptoms I had when I had rheumatic fever 2 and a half years ago (I know I have some WEIRD medical history) and this past week had to be put on IV Antibiotics, she is not hospitalized but went to the hospital twice a day to receive treatment and then the rest of the time she spent with her best friend Kjiersty (who happens to be a doctor). Kjiersty and her sweet family fasted for me, and today I returned the favor... Kjiersty has a younger sister (Hayley) who's husband lost his job 3 years ago so Kjiersty and her husband Jeremy bought them a medical coding company for an income. They have 5 young children and the baby is a special needs child who has to be held all the time. Janice was training Hayley on medical coding. The other night Hayley had a heart attack or stroke and is now in a medically induced coma. Kjiersty left the island (and her husband) took her 2 young children across the world to take care of her sister and her family. It amazes me how fast the world can change and our trials put into light.

I am grateful for this experience of being sick (I hate using sick because I don't feel ill), before I had been focusing on the things that I missed, like being able to pick up and hold my kids (I still can but conner feels like he weighs more than a tank), but now I am so grateful that I can hold my family. I am grateful to know that our Savior knows us. One thing the talk mentioned was how the Savior could have experienced our pain through revelation but He chose to experience it Himself, I am grateful to know that the Lord knows ME, and that he knows Hayley and her family. Really when it is put in perspective, I do not need to fear the Neurologist or the future, whatever it may be... I just need to have faith, and be excited to see this as an experience where I can gain the education I came here to acquire. ... but I am still hoping for good news tomorrow.

P.S. Please pray for Kjiersty and Hayley and their families... I know that it helps, I have felt your prayers.

What is going on with me?! A question and an update

I have never really posted something personal... ever. I think I even leave stuff like this out of my journal, which I probably shouldn't... but I figure that this time it might help to just get my feelings out... and I figure if I can go to Church and let my ward see me like this, then I should be able to write about it to people whom I will never see, or who would care to know what is going on. Going to Church yesterday made me realize that if the cute little six year olds I teach don't judge me or laugh at me the chances of anyone else doing it are slim. so I know I won't be judged, and I won't get hurt, that generally everyone wants to help and there are A LOT of people who are smarter than me (don't tell Leigha), and maybe some who have experienced something like this. Plus I have an amazing high school friend (my first "boy friend") who has inspired me. He and his family are going through something much more difficult and doing everything with faith. (if you would like to know more, here is his and his cute wifies blog http://facingadversitywithfaith.blogspot.com/ )

So to answer the question, what is going on with me? the answer is... I have no clue. I got sick 2 weeks ago (on a Monday), normal flu stuff, but then my eyes just started feeling really weird (Wednesday). I felt dizzy and like everything was moving. I felt like my eyes were at different places on my head, but amazingly I JUST felt dizzy and weird, no headache. I thought maybe my prescription was changing, and Don thought I had a sinus infection. So Friday, I went to the optometrist. Good News!!!! I have perfectly healthy eyes, and my prescription only changed minutely so I don't need new glasses, but even better news... I got contacts again! And the Optometrist said that it could be a sinus infection... we were happy with that.

Saturday I started to have double vision, my eyes still felt like they were moving around everywhere, and it made me really dizzy. I still felt fine though, so we were still going with the whole sinus infection thing. She said that id i had any more problems to go see my family doctor.

Sunday (Leigha's 6th birthday!) came, and I still had double vision, and my eyes still had the moving feeling, but now they actually started moving and not tracking together. I just did not feel right so I got a blessing, and I know everything is going to be okay... I still know that, without a doubt. That night my double vision got a lot worse (Leigha would not even look at me, or she would stare), I started to see through things (not like Superman where I could look through walls into other rooms) I was talking to my mom and looking at her but I could see my kids running in circles behind her. It was the weirdest thing, and it made me dizzy and frustrated because my logic should have taken over and said "you can't see through people you weirdo!"

Monday I drove Don to work, and came home and went back to sleep. I had a scary dream. I dreamt I was driving home from dropping Don off, and I went blind. I pulled the car over, but did not have a phone, or a drivers license and since our car was new I did not even know where to turn on the emergency flashers. Thank goodness it was just a dream, but it scared me enough to think more about what was going on. I took Leigha to school and did the whole Halloween parade, I still felt like it was safe for me to be driving, so I ran errands with Conner and if I ever had double vision I would just cover one eye. We went to pick up Don, he took one look at me and said we are going to the clinic right now (his work actually has a doctors office on-site). The doctor did an exam and said it was for sure not a sinus infection and I needed to see and Ophthalmologist right away, She also kept saying "You only have 2 eyes". So we did, right after we saw her we went to the Ophthalmologist and 2 doctors did an hour and a half of tests to see which eye was worse when it came to tracking, and they are both equally as bad. The weirdest thing for me was that the wall had 2 mirrors on it, I saw 3 mirrors and a mirror on the door. One was higher and the other lower, I was able to line up 2 of the mirrors to make one mirror, but that mirror had the reflection of both mirrors. It was so weird. Everything for me is always moving and dimensions of things are changed, which for me is important with how many space planning and drafting classes I have taken. Things will come in at a and collide into each other like they are in a v or if I am looking at something in the center of my vision i only see one of it, but then everything else arcs out like a rainbow. It is all very confusing because I KNOW things should not be like that and I feel like that because I know it I should be able to correct it on my own and see fine. The good news is that I still have perfectly healthy eyes. She said I needed to get and MRI and fast, and kept repeating "You only have 2 eyes". She talked to Don and used big scary words like brain tumor, anuerism, stroke, multiple sclerosis, and others and let him know the necessity of finding out what this is. We went home and now I was a bit scared. I still knew everything would be okay but life had just changed for me. I started to value every moment. I made sure we carved pumpkins and did the fun family Halloween things. I dressed as a pirate (I only see one of everything when only one eye is in use... I am wearing that same pirate patch now so I can type) and took my kids tick or treating. I didn't want to miss a thing. That night the left side of my face started to tingle... I thought that it might have been from winking my eye so much that the muscle was just strained, but it just felt weird like everything else that is going on. But I decided to make the most of it, and add getting an MRI to my bucket list, that way I could check it off and feel good about something. Plus we told Leigha the MRI was to prove that Mommy knows everything.

Tuesday was the longest day. The doctor called first thing in the morning and said she had consulted with a neurologist and they both agreed I needed to go up to the University of Utah and see an Neural Ophthalmologist. I waited all day, had family on stand by all day to take the kids, and just sat and waited. The phone rang all day long with family members who wanted to talk to me and share their love with me and hear what is going on because it is so hard to figure out, but none of them were the University. I went with Don to pick up Leigha from school so she would know that I was okay (being in the car is the worst for me, I get so sick) it was so weird. I would see 2 cars and then as they got toward the center of my vision they would collide into each other and then as they drove off become 2 images again. it is really an odd and scary thing to be in a car like this. Finally at 6:00 the University called. The doctor was just rude, she said she did not know why I was referred to them, that they did not do MRI's and they could not get me in until Nov. 21. She said it would be 3-5 hours of testing, like that would magically cure everything that was going on because I did not want to do that or pay for it because we do not have insurance, I just wanted to say to her "I only have 2 eyes!". I was devastated and upset, I felt like the whole day had just been a huge waste for me and everyone else who was on standby. By now my eyes still felt weird and my face was tingling all the time, also I felt like I was losing the ability to use the left side of my lip when I ate and my eyes were tired and started to droop. I did not know what was going to happen now, we had already cancelled the MRI at the hospital, and told the other Dr that we would not be seeing him as well.

Wednesday came, I called the ophthalmologist and it was her day off. I thought it was going to be another day of waiting and I just felt sick. Thankfully there were other amazing doctors there who helped, and we got the MRI done. As I was leaving I started to have a hard time breathing, I felt like I could not get any air. I thought I might just be having an anxiety attack ( I have never had one before). We went and got the MRI (check that off the bucket list). They needed to do it with out contrast and with contrast, which means they would inject me with a dye that could be seen in the brain. When they injected the dye I could not breathe again, they thought I was having an allergic reaction and going into anaphylactic shock... turns out that whole not breathing thing is just another part of this whole weird thing and it happens several times a day, it seems to be getting worse with each time and lasting for longer. HOORAY!!!! I have a perfectly healthy brain and now I have proof (I have about 200 pictures of my brain... I'm thinking Christmas cards, just kidding). But, we are no closer to what this might actually be.

Thursday my eyes stopped feeling like they are moving around all the time and they feel like they are just in the right place on my head, so that is good. But, now I have a hard time swallowing food. I have to take really small bites. and sometimes I cannot even lick my lips. I tried to read to Leigha and Conner at bed time, but yet another new symptom popped up. It is already really hard to read, but now If I talk for a period of time, or eat, when I try and talk all my words sound slurred. Leigha thought it was hilarious, I did too. We were reading a book about Chester a raccoon but it sounded more like shesher. I have a really hard time with s's and t's, and pretty much everything else, but mostly t's I think. Thank goodness it is not all the time.

Friday my brother came, I have not seen him in almost 2 years. I was so glad to see him, but I did not want him to see me like this, he was really cute about it though. we went to 5 guys burgers for lunch, I could not keep food in my mouth, I was trying to look at him but ended up staring at other people as well. I just felt foolish, but the burger was delicious. He took my kids to go see Puss in Boots and my mom and I went to the temple. I knew if I could hear the blessings that are promised that I would be fine, and it was amazing. It was again embarrassing, and I was very aware that I must look weird, but the people in the temple were so nice, even when I ran into the wall. I did not come out of the blessing "healed" in a physical sense, although there were times where I could feel it, but I did come out of it with a spiritual healing. I know everything is going to be okay. I know my family will be okay. I know I will be normal again. I am so grateful for those eternal blessings and covenants.

Saturday I went to see another Dr. He said it could all just be stress related. I do not tend to believe that because I manage stress very well, and I did not really feel all that stressed before this. there have been a lot of stressful things, especially in the last 2 months but we have been able to resolve them all. It could also be a viral infection that is in my brain, I hope it is that, because it will go away. Saturday night Leigha got really sick with the flu, I was up with her until 3 and then Don took over.

In the morning Don and Leigha stayed home and Conner and I went to Church. I was really afraid of people looking at me, I was afraid of what my 6 year old class might say, because Leigha is in my class and I had heard her all week. I was afraid of being looked at, and being there alone. I was afraid of walking into a wall or not being able to breathe or any of the other things. All I felt was love, everyone could see me. My sweet class instead of staring at me, prayed for me. When it came time for the lesson, I made it a paragraph in and started to slur, and a Primary Presidency member took over the lesson and taught it for me. I felt so loved and blessed. After church a lady in my ward who is in a wheelchair came and talked to me about MS, she and her husband both have it, and there is still a chance I might too. She was so kind and supportive. Then she talked to my mom on the phone after church and offered to take my kids to the park or bring in meals, I just felt so loved.

So there is a bit of an update, we have been doing a lot of research and there are a few things this could be...

-nothing... just another weird Sarah thing, I seem to get a lot of those

-a viral infection in my brain, that hopefully in a couple of weeks will just go away

-a thyroid thing. I have 3 thyroid diseases and maybe this is due to them?

-MS, even though it did not show up on the MRI, it doesn't until it is more advanced, but I could go 10 years without having another episode

-myasthenia gravis, it seems to be pretty similar to MS and I have ALL the symptoms, but it is rare, and again I could go 10 years without having another episode

- and I am sure a heap full of other things as well

I am so grateful for all the love and support I have felt through this. I am so grateful for my family, for the calls and the laughs, and especially the prayers... I have felt those so much. I am grateful for my friends who have been there for me, and even though I have kept it very private, they have respected that wish, and have called to just tell me they love me. I am grateful for my ward, and the Primary Presidency for teaching my class and taking Leigha to and from school for me. I am grateful for Don's home teaching companion who came and helped give me a blessing a week ago, and then came back that night with his cute wife and zucchini bread. I am grateful for my babies who have made me laugh and let me know that they love me. I am most grateful for my sweet husband who has done so much, and I know this is just as hard if not harder on him. He has played his role and mine and dropped everything just to give me a hug when I need it, or take me to another dr, appt. or get me cafe rio. I told him that I am grateful that I get to see 2 of him all the time because he is so handsome, but I wish I could feel 2 of his hugs at the same time. I am grateful for faith and prayer and testimony. I am just so grateful.

Sorry this is so long, even if no one reads it I ma glad I opened up and have made a record of it.