What is going on with me?! A question and an update

I have never really posted something personal... ever. I think I even leave stuff like this out of my journal, which I probably shouldn't... but I figure that this time it might help to just get my feelings out... and I figure if I can go to Church and let my ward see me like this, then I should be able to write about it to people whom I will never see, or who would care to know what is going on. Going to Church yesterday made me realize that if the cute little six year olds I teach don't judge me or laugh at me the chances of anyone else doing it are slim. so I know I won't be judged, and I won't get hurt, that generally everyone wants to help and there are A LOT of people who are smarter than me (don't tell Leigha), and maybe some who have experienced something like this. Plus I have an amazing high school friend (my first "boy friend") who has inspired me. He and his family are going through something much more difficult and doing everything with faith. (if you would like to know more, here is his and his cute wifies blog http://facingadversitywithfaith.blogspot.com/ )

So to answer the question, what is going on with me? the answer is... I have no clue. I got sick 2 weeks ago (on a Monday), normal flu stuff, but then my eyes just started feeling really weird (Wednesday). I felt dizzy and like everything was moving. I felt like my eyes were at different places on my head, but amazingly I JUST felt dizzy and weird, no headache. I thought maybe my prescription was changing, and Don thought I had a sinus infection. So Friday, I went to the optometrist. Good News!!!! I have perfectly healthy eyes, and my prescription only changed minutely so I don't need new glasses, but even better news... I got contacts again! And the Optometrist said that it could be a sinus infection... we were happy with that.

Saturday I started to have double vision, my eyes still felt like they were moving around everywhere, and it made me really dizzy. I still felt fine though, so we were still going with the whole sinus infection thing. She said that id i had any more problems to go see my family doctor.

Sunday (Leigha's 6th birthday!) came, and I still had double vision, and my eyes still had the moving feeling, but now they actually started moving and not tracking together. I just did not feel right so I got a blessing, and I know everything is going to be okay... I still know that, without a doubt. That night my double vision got a lot worse (Leigha would not even look at me, or she would stare), I started to see through things (not like Superman where I could look through walls into other rooms) I was talking to my mom and looking at her but I could see my kids running in circles behind her. It was the weirdest thing, and it made me dizzy and frustrated because my logic should have taken over and said "you can't see through people you weirdo!"

Monday I drove Don to work, and came home and went back to sleep. I had a scary dream. I dreamt I was driving home from dropping Don off, and I went blind. I pulled the car over, but did not have a phone, or a drivers license and since our car was new I did not even know where to turn on the emergency flashers. Thank goodness it was just a dream, but it scared me enough to think more about what was going on. I took Leigha to school and did the whole Halloween parade, I still felt like it was safe for me to be driving, so I ran errands with Conner and if I ever had double vision I would just cover one eye. We went to pick up Don, he took one look at me and said we are going to the clinic right now (his work actually has a doctors office on-site). The doctor did an exam and said it was for sure not a sinus infection and I needed to see and Ophthalmologist right away, She also kept saying "You only have 2 eyes". So we did, right after we saw her we went to the Ophthalmologist and 2 doctors did an hour and a half of tests to see which eye was worse when it came to tracking, and they are both equally as bad. The weirdest thing for me was that the wall had 2 mirrors on it, I saw 3 mirrors and a mirror on the door. One was higher and the other lower, I was able to line up 2 of the mirrors to make one mirror, but that mirror had the reflection of both mirrors. It was so weird. Everything for me is always moving and dimensions of things are changed, which for me is important with how many space planning and drafting classes I have taken. Things will come in at a and collide into each other like they are in a v or if I am looking at something in the center of my vision i only see one of it, but then everything else arcs out like a rainbow. It is all very confusing because I KNOW things should not be like that and I feel like that because I know it I should be able to correct it on my own and see fine. The good news is that I still have perfectly healthy eyes. She said I needed to get and MRI and fast, and kept repeating "You only have 2 eyes". She talked to Don and used big scary words like brain tumor, anuerism, stroke, multiple sclerosis, and others and let him know the necessity of finding out what this is. We went home and now I was a bit scared. I still knew everything would be okay but life had just changed for me. I started to value every moment. I made sure we carved pumpkins and did the fun family Halloween things. I dressed as a pirate (I only see one of everything when only one eye is in use... I am wearing that same pirate patch now so I can type) and took my kids tick or treating. I didn't want to miss a thing. That night the left side of my face started to tingle... I thought that it might have been from winking my eye so much that the muscle was just strained, but it just felt weird like everything else that is going on. But I decided to make the most of it, and add getting an MRI to my bucket list, that way I could check it off and feel good about something. Plus we told Leigha the MRI was to prove that Mommy knows everything.

Tuesday was the longest day. The doctor called first thing in the morning and said she had consulted with a neurologist and they both agreed I needed to go up to the University of Utah and see an Neural Ophthalmologist. I waited all day, had family on stand by all day to take the kids, and just sat and waited. The phone rang all day long with family members who wanted to talk to me and share their love with me and hear what is going on because it is so hard to figure out, but none of them were the University. I went with Don to pick up Leigha from school so she would know that I was okay (being in the car is the worst for me, I get so sick) it was so weird. I would see 2 cars and then as they got toward the center of my vision they would collide into each other and then as they drove off become 2 images again. it is really an odd and scary thing to be in a car like this. Finally at 6:00 the University called. The doctor was just rude, she said she did not know why I was referred to them, that they did not do MRI's and they could not get me in until Nov. 21. She said it would be 3-5 hours of testing, like that would magically cure everything that was going on because I did not want to do that or pay for it because we do not have insurance, I just wanted to say to her "I only have 2 eyes!". I was devastated and upset, I felt like the whole day had just been a huge waste for me and everyone else who was on standby. By now my eyes still felt weird and my face was tingling all the time, also I felt like I was losing the ability to use the left side of my lip when I ate and my eyes were tired and started to droop. I did not know what was going to happen now, we had already cancelled the MRI at the hospital, and told the other Dr that we would not be seeing him as well.

Wednesday came, I called the ophthalmologist and it was her day off. I thought it was going to be another day of waiting and I just felt sick. Thankfully there were other amazing doctors there who helped, and we got the MRI done. As I was leaving I started to have a hard time breathing, I felt like I could not get any air. I thought I might just be having an anxiety attack ( I have never had one before). We went and got the MRI (check that off the bucket list). They needed to do it with out contrast and with contrast, which means they would inject me with a dye that could be seen in the brain. When they injected the dye I could not breathe again, they thought I was having an allergic reaction and going into anaphylactic shock... turns out that whole not breathing thing is just another part of this whole weird thing and it happens several times a day, it seems to be getting worse with each time and lasting for longer. HOORAY!!!! I have a perfectly healthy brain and now I have proof (I have about 200 pictures of my brain... I'm thinking Christmas cards, just kidding). But, we are no closer to what this might actually be.

Thursday my eyes stopped feeling like they are moving around all the time and they feel like they are just in the right place on my head, so that is good. But, now I have a hard time swallowing food. I have to take really small bites. and sometimes I cannot even lick my lips. I tried to read to Leigha and Conner at bed time, but yet another new symptom popped up. It is already really hard to read, but now If I talk for a period of time, or eat, when I try and talk all my words sound slurred. Leigha thought it was hilarious, I did too. We were reading a book about Chester a raccoon but it sounded more like shesher. I have a really hard time with s's and t's, and pretty much everything else, but mostly t's I think. Thank goodness it is not all the time.

Friday my brother came, I have not seen him in almost 2 years. I was so glad to see him, but I did not want him to see me like this, he was really cute about it though. we went to 5 guys burgers for lunch, I could not keep food in my mouth, I was trying to look at him but ended up staring at other people as well. I just felt foolish, but the burger was delicious. He took my kids to go see Puss in Boots and my mom and I went to the temple. I knew if I could hear the blessings that are promised that I would be fine, and it was amazing. It was again embarrassing, and I was very aware that I must look weird, but the people in the temple were so nice, even when I ran into the wall. I did not come out of the blessing "healed" in a physical sense, although there were times where I could feel it, but I did come out of it with a spiritual healing. I know everything is going to be okay. I know my family will be okay. I know I will be normal again. I am so grateful for those eternal blessings and covenants.

Saturday I went to see another Dr. He said it could all just be stress related. I do not tend to believe that because I manage stress very well, and I did not really feel all that stressed before this. there have been a lot of stressful things, especially in the last 2 months but we have been able to resolve them all. It could also be a viral infection that is in my brain, I hope it is that, because it will go away. Saturday night Leigha got really sick with the flu, I was up with her until 3 and then Don took over.

In the morning Don and Leigha stayed home and Conner and I went to Church. I was really afraid of people looking at me, I was afraid of what my 6 year old class might say, because Leigha is in my class and I had heard her all week. I was afraid of being looked at, and being there alone. I was afraid of walking into a wall or not being able to breathe or any of the other things. All I felt was love, everyone could see me. My sweet class instead of staring at me, prayed for me. When it came time for the lesson, I made it a paragraph in and started to slur, and a Primary Presidency member took over the lesson and taught it for me. I felt so loved and blessed. After church a lady in my ward who is in a wheelchair came and talked to me about MS, she and her husband both have it, and there is still a chance I might too. She was so kind and supportive. Then she talked to my mom on the phone after church and offered to take my kids to the park or bring in meals, I just felt so loved.

So there is a bit of an update, we have been doing a lot of research and there are a few things this could be...

-nothing... just another weird Sarah thing, I seem to get a lot of those

-a viral infection in my brain, that hopefully in a couple of weeks will just go away

-a thyroid thing. I have 3 thyroid diseases and maybe this is due to them?

-MS, even though it did not show up on the MRI, it doesn't until it is more advanced, but I could go 10 years without having another episode

-myasthenia gravis, it seems to be pretty similar to MS and I have ALL the symptoms, but it is rare, and again I could go 10 years without having another episode

- and I am sure a heap full of other things as well

I am so grateful for all the love and support I have felt through this. I am so grateful for my family, for the calls and the laughs, and especially the prayers... I have felt those so much. I am grateful for my friends who have been there for me, and even though I have kept it very private, they have respected that wish, and have called to just tell me they love me. I am grateful for my ward, and the Primary Presidency for teaching my class and taking Leigha to and from school for me. I am grateful for Don's home teaching companion who came and helped give me a blessing a week ago, and then came back that night with his cute wife and zucchini bread. I am grateful for my babies who have made me laugh and let me know that they love me. I am most grateful for my sweet husband who has done so much, and I know this is just as hard if not harder on him. He has played his role and mine and dropped everything just to give me a hug when I need it, or take me to another dr, appt. or get me cafe rio. I told him that I am grateful that I get to see 2 of him all the time because he is so handsome, but I wish I could feel 2 of his hugs at the same time. I am grateful for faith and prayer and testimony. I am just so grateful.

Sorry this is so long, even if no one reads it I ma glad I opened up and have made a record of it.